I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize