i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
