On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
