So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
