Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
