When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
