Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
