the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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