somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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