I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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