drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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