I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
