woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
