I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
