I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
