You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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