i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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