ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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