My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we made out on top of his cat.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
