Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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