I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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