I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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