I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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