I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
