Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
