someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
