i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
