my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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