your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
