Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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