Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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