Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize