I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Someone came in the potted fern
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
