I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
