goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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