I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize