we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
