I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
