I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
