he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
