I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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