There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
