You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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