Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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