This is not my ceiling
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
