tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
