I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
