we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize