Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Send help, water and tortillas.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
