I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
