Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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