Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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