guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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