i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
