well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
