Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
