3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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