NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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