Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
