i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
