I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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