I think im going to throw up on grandma
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
