he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
