I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
