Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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