1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
