I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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