i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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