Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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