Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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