Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
