make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
