Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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