saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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